Yellow Diamonds 2: The Deviant Facet
by Jynxed1
Summary: The sequel to the critically-acclaimed fanfic "Yellow Diamonds: A Pokémon Adventure" by me. This is very much still in the development phase so I can't say for certain if it'll continue. This story takes place in a Pokémon world where the first "Yellow Diamonds" story is just that: a story. The young hero looks up to Xylark and strives to prove his idol really did exist.
1. Longitude and Platitude

**[AN: make sure you've read the first part of the YD trilogy (found in my profile) before you start this one!]**

"I'm positive it happened," I said knowingly.

"Don't you think if it had happened that, I dunno, maybe we wouldn't even be here to talk about it?" that bitch replied.

That bitch was my best friend, Plaen. She kept rambling on against my beliefs so I decided to stop listening; no matter what solid arguments she had I knew I was right. As she blabbed I looked in the mirror that hung on my wall. One of my favorite hobbies was checking out my appearance and making sure I didn't look sloppy. He taught me that.

"There aren't even any Angel types," she continued, rudely trying to interrupt me ignoring her. I just rolled my eyes and started to brush my Animal-Crossing-New-Leaf purple hair off my face, placing each strand strategically to maximize the impact of my cheekbones. Whenever I looked in the mirror I had to blink much more often than normal people as my stunning gold irises reflected light like the back of a compact disk waving in the sunlight.

"And now you're not listening," Plaen sighed, slouching over.

"What do you mean 'now'? I haven't been listening for a while," I replied, sass ejaculating from my very pores.

"But you really should listen. Everyone's concerned you're taking that story a little too seriously."

"I don't give a fuck, plain," I answered. She thought I was just saying her name but really I was remarking on her appearance. Being able to insult people to their face without them knowing is very cathartic which is one of the reasons I chose Plaen as my friend. Usually you'd see someone like me hanging out with popular and beautiful people but unfortunately I was the most popular and beautiful person in town so I didn't have that luxury. Plaen was definitely appropriately named but she wasn't as stupid as the other townsfolk so I settled on her. I saw she was about to start talking again so I turned on the radio just as Rihanna's song We Found Love came on.

"Yellow Diamonds in the light," she sang banally.

"See," I gloated, "why would she make a song about a story that wasn't real?" I had her now.

"Whatever you say, Qris," she acquiesced.

"That's Qrisanthemum to you," I winked, asserting my dominance. "But anyway, you gotta go. As is always the case in the first part of Pokémon stories, tomorrow I'm getting my first Pokémon."

"This isn't a story, Qris," she sighed. "Just because you're getting your starter tomorrow doesn't mean this is suddenly fan fiction or some shit. It's not like we didn't exist before today." That bitch. I glared at her so intensely that Tyra called me up and told me I had won America's Next Top Model even though I hadn't even auditioned.

After I hung up I turned to tell Plaen the good news but she was already gone. Oh well. I slipped into my Armani pajamas and got into bed, almost too anxious to sleep, not that I needed it because I'd be attractive regardless. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't too tired to face the paparazzi tomorrow on my way to the lab. I prayed to Xylark that there'd be an Angel-type Pokémon waiting for me there despite what the haters said about it being a fictional type. I knew Xylark wouldn't let me down. As I slipped out of consciousness I could've sworn I saw a glittery pink cat flitter across the room.


	2. Whenever, Wherever

"All right, Professor Bob-omb, I'm ready to get my Pokémon!" I screamed at the aging scientist just inches from his face. I knew in that moment he wanted me more than anything.

"It's Professor Baobob, not Bob-omb," he sighed. I loved it when nerds flirted like that.

"I swear being with you is like sitting in the live studio audience in front of which the popular television program 'The Big Bang Theory' is filmed," I moaned, imagining him on top of me, bazinging relentlessly.

"I really don't get these references, Qris. Just pick a Pokémon, please."

"Whatever you say," I submitted. "What Angel types do you have?"

"Qris, for the last time: Angel types don't exist. We do have some Fairy-type Pokémon though. How about a Flabébé?" he suggested. I just lolled and shook my head.

"Do I look like the type of person that would have a Pokémon whose name contained the word 'flab'? I don't think so." I honestly didn't even know what the word flab was before that moment because I had never heard it since I was very thin like really I had no body fat. One time someone said I looked like Christian Bale and I got so excited because I loved the Superman movies but the person said I looked like him in something called "The Machinist" which I had never heard of because I didn't really like movies about machines and robots and stuff.

"Well, did you make up your mind?" he asked, pretending to be annoyed even though I knew he was just acting like that. What a tease.

"OK, fine. I'll take a Rianna, please," I said super politely.

"Rianna's not real," he joked.

"Hmm. Then I'd like a Lanadelrae, please," I smiled, holding out my hand.

"I think you just made that up."

"How about a Florence+themachine?"

"Oh, c'mon, that one doesn't even make sense," he whined.

"Shaqira?"

"Fine, just take this Sprtizee," he moaned erotically, holding out a Poké Ball.

"Awesome!" I squealed. I had no idea why he called the Shaqira "Spritzee" but I didn't care. People are so much stupider than me around here I learned to just tune them out. Oozing with anticipation I threw the Poké Ball at the floor, screaming, "Go, Shaqira!"

A pink fluffy bird-like Pokémon that looked like Adrien Brody popped out of the ball and squealed, "Spritzee!"

"Whoa!" I screamed. "I've never seen a Pokémon that can say something besides its own name! Thanks, Professor!"

He sighed.

"Well, I guess we'd better get going!" I gurgled sexily, running out the door to start my Pokémon journey.

"Sprtizee!" Shaqira squawked.

"You're right, we should go tell Plaen about all this. I can't wait to see the look on her ugly face," I said objectively. We got to plain Plaen's plain house just as she was heading out the door with her own ugly Pokémon.

"Ew, what's that?" I exclaimed, subtly pointing at her Pokémon's face and making gagging noises.

"She's my new friend Smoochum! Isn't she cute?" she gushed.

"No," I answered, "but wait look at mine. I told you Angel types existed!"

"That's a Fairy-type, Qris. Its name is Spritzee."

"First of all it's pronounced 'Shaqira' and secondly there's no such thing as the Fairy type, Plaen," I said, rolling my eyes so hard that there was a temporary shift in gravity.

"How do you not know about the Fairy type? It's endemic to this region only. It's like our national type or something."

"Oh, well I don't consider anything after the first 150 to be real Pokémon so it might as well not exist to me anyway."

"Qris, how does that even make sense?" Two times in one day people couldn't understand me. I was definitely going to have to start using simpler language.

"You go to Pokémon trip with us? Journey? Badges?" I asked, hoping that was dumbed down enough for her.

"Sure, might as well. The nearest town is Adelton, just on the other side of the forest. Let's go," she said bossily. Wow, I couldn't believe someone so much less attractive than me would speak to me so rudely. I decided to let her slide just this one time, though, since we were going to be spending a lot of time with each other.

"Did you hear, that, Shaqira? We're going to Adele Town!" I squealed. Shaqira shook uncontrollably and got so excited she dropped a sick beat and we started to do an impromptu dance number. People were so impressed they asked for autographs but there was no way we had time for all that mess.

"Are you just going to stand there looking off into space or are we going?" she said. She must've scared off the fans because suddenly they were all gone.

"You mean 'there,' Plaen, not 'their,'" I corrected. She just furrowed her brow in confusion and started heading off toward the forest. There was no telling what lay for us ahead!


	3. False Hop

While heading to the forest I couldn't help but be overcome by disgust for Plaen. She walked in a way I had never seen before – like she was constipated but at the same time had already pooped her pants. I knew that it wasn't right to judge people so superficially but she was objectively gross so I didn't feel bad.

"What would you even call that?" I asked despite not giving any indication as to the subject of the question.

"What?" Plaen moaned like a Neanderthal. Actually I don't remember how she said it but she had the look of someone who would communicate with primitive grunting tones so I was probably right.

"Your hair color. It's like maybe at one point it was almost brown but then it got bored and gave up," I said, reaching out my hand to touch it then realizing that was probably a bad idea.

"It's dirty blonde, Qris," she sneered. Wow, I couldn't believe she was giving me attitude just because I gave her some constructive criticism. I usually made people pay for that kind of advice.

"Whatever," I rebutted wittily. "Are we almost to the forest yet? I want to battle someone!"

"We're already in the forest," she said like I was stupid or something. How was I supposed to know where we were? Usually I had my driver take me to wherever I wanted to go and we used the freeway, not some poor people path through the woods. I heard there were even homeless people out here. Yuck.

"I know," I lied in such a convincing way it suddenly became the truth. "Whoa! A Garbodor!" I screamed, pointing at an anthropomorphic pile of garbage that stood just feet from me.

"Don't be an asshole, Qris," the trash monster whined in Plaen's voice.

"Sorry, but you have to admit the resemblance is pretty spooky. Where are the Pokémon anyway? We haven't even seen a single one yet."

"Hey, there's a trainer over there off the path," Plaen said plainly, pointing to a girl playing with a Buneary. Could it be?

"Tilly!" I shrieked masculinely as I ran toward the statuesque Nubian princess. "I can't believe it's you!"

"Excuse me?" she said. "Who's Tilly?"

"He's talking about Yellow Diamonds," Plaen explained after she caught up.

"She knows that, Plaen. Why wouldn't you think she knew that? She was in the book after all," I explained patiently. What a moron.

"Yeah, I've heard of it, but I'm not Tilly. My name's Hop but it's pronounced like hope, not hop," she said even though I had never thought it was pronounced like hop due to the fact she said it aloud the first time and I couldn't see how it was written. "Why would you think I was Tilly?"

"Duh. You're black," I informed her.

"So you think all black people look alike?" she said aggressively for no reason.

"There's only one black person in the region, Tilly, so how would I know?" I argued with flawless logic.

"That's it," she yelled suddenly. "You're going down." Like a flash she lunged at me, totally unprovoked.

"Shaqira, help!" I screamed, grabbing my Pokéfriend tightly and holding her up in front of me.

"Shaqira!" she wailed in a way that sounded like she was saying a different name. A loud crack rang through the forest as Tilly's fist bludgeoned Shaqira's ample schnoz back into her skull. I couldn't believe she had sacrificed herself like that for me. As she lay dying in my arms a single tear rolled down my cheek and struck the pink angel's velvety skin. Nothing happened.

"We have to get her to the Poké Center, quick!" Plaen screamed, totally ruining the moment I was having with my best friend. Rude.

"Ugh, I was reviving her with my love, Plaen. But now you've fucked it up," I pouted, dragging the limp husk of my bestie along the forest floor. "We didn't even get to have a Pokémon battle! Ugh! Tilly was definitely not as nice in person as I thought she would be."

"Um, I'm right here," she responded even though I wasn't talking to her, "and for the last time my name is Hop."

"Listen, we're really sorry," Plaen lied.

"It's OK, I just feel bad for hurting that poor Pokémon. I know the quickest path to the next town. Why don't you just follow me?"

"Um, you can go with her, Plaen. I'm just going to use HM02 Fly and have Shaqira take me there," I said smartly.

"Suit yourself. I'll wait for you there," she said even though I didn't care if she waited or not. She was way too ugly to be my Divann anyway and Tilly seemed to have gotten a lot ruder since her death. Whatever. As soon as they had disappeared from view I turned to Shaqira, smiling.

"Are you ready to Fly!" I asked so excitedly that the proper punctuation mark was an exclamation point despite it being a question. Shaqira wheezed, one eye slightly hanging from its socket. "Oh, that's right, you're hurt. Hmm."

Usually in a situation like this Xylark would simply tell Rianna to get up and everything would be fine but I could tell this Pokémon wasn't quite as powerful as her Angel-type peer yet. I looked around for something to wrap her carcass in so she wouldn't bleed all over my clothes when suddenly I saw a small café across a meadow. I usually wouldn't eat at such a place because I have all the trendiest food allergies, but maybe someone there could heal Shaqira.

"Let's go!" I shouted, running provocatively like on my favorite soap opera Baywatch. As I approached the door of the modest establishment I heard a sexy man voice emanating from within.


	4. Starved

I waited for someone to open the door for me since I was used to not doing things myself but nothing happened. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't being spoiled or lazy or anything, I just liked to give back to those of lower social standing by letting them feel important by helping me.

"That was rude," I announced as I slaved to open the door all by myself and step inside. Everyone looked up as though they had heard the voice of an angel, which is kind of true since one time in 3rd grade we had a singing competition and one of the judges was Celine Dion and she said I was a even a better singer than her and I knew she wasn't lying because historically Canadians have always told the truth.. It goes without saying I won.

"You can sit anywhere you like, honey," said a woman whose appearance Plato would consider the ideal Form of fugliness.

"Ew," I answered her politely, making my way toward the hunk of man meat I heard from outside. He had short green hair like a lawn and big blue eyes like a room that had been painted blue. As I approached he smiled, revealing not one, but two rows of perfectly straight, white teeth like a shark who had good dental care.

"Mind if I sit here?" I asked coyly, pointing to his crotch.

"Sorry, I'm not gay," he replied rudely. I couldn't believe he was being so homophobic.

"Whatev," I said nonchalantly, not even caring enough to finish the word. I turned around and started heading to another table when suddenly he screamed.

"Wait! I said I wasn't gay, not that I wasn't bi." We both started winking vivaciously at each other for a few seconds until I decided I had forgiven him. I made my way back to his hotness and sat across from him; it was time to play hard-to-get. I knew I could get him interested in me if I just dropped some subtle innuendos into our conversation.

"So, are you a top or a bottom?" I said, hoping he had understood that reference to anal penetration.

"You mean, like, what? Butt stuff?" he asked innocently.

"Butt stuff," I assured him. Damn, I was good at getting people to think about sex without them realizing it.

"It's a secret," he said secretively. Was he hiding something?

"It's OK," I answered even though it wasn't. "Anyway, my name's Qris, short for Qrisanthemum."

"Chrysanthemum? What a beautiful name," he said as if I didn't already know that.

"No, it's spelled 'Qrisanthemum'," I corrected, "but anyway, this is my Pokémon Shaqira."

"What Pokémon?" he asked. Fuck. I had forgotten Shaqira back in the woods.

"LOL brb," I said trendily. I couldn't believe Shaqira would do something as irresponsible as exploring the forest all by herself, especially since she was hurt.

"Spritz-itz. Spree," she said. The injury must've been bad – she couldn't even remember her own name.

"It isn't always about you, Shaqira," I scolded, dragging her back to the café to meet my future husband. "OK, here she is," I introduced as soon as I had sat back down.

"Oh my god!" he shouted. "Is she OK?"

"Who?" I asked.

"Your Pokémon! She looks really hurt! Give her here," he ordered. "I'm a doctor."

"Jackpot!" I thought to myself aloud so that he could hear it. "So are you cut or uncut?"

"What? Hold on a second, I've got to get her eye back in place," he said rudely, completely ignoring me. I had to step my game up. I picked up his fork and jabbed it as hard as I could through the back of my hand.

"Oh no," I said pathetically, "I think something's wrong with my hand. Can you kiss it and make it better?"

"Shit! What did you do!" he yelled, accidentally dropping Shaqira's eyeball in some maple syrup. Actually, it might've been one of those fancy specialty syrups that little cafés sometimes have like apple or apricot. What a weird name. Apricot.

"Oh, I think I hurt it doing abdominal exercises yesterday," I lied as I lifted up my shirt to show my tight waist.

"Stop that, you're getting blood everywhere!" he yelled. Why was he blowing this out of proportion? I felt fine.

"Wait, where are we?" I asked. The café had suddenly transformed into a smelly, white room with cheap fluorescent lighting.

"You passed out. We're at the hospital," my green-haired suitor replied. "I've never seen somebody lose that much blood and survive."

"Yeah, I'm not really a big fan of blood so I'm really trying to cut back. I know everyone uses it and everything but I think it's one of those big corporate scams like the Atkins diet or recycling. They just want you to buy, buy, buy," I said coolly.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I replied, deciding to let him keep living in his capitalist prison, bound by the chains of oil tycoons and blood drives. Scum. "What's your name anyway?"

"Yksynvys," he said foreignly.

"So are you like Mexican or Greek or what?" I asked, showing off how many countries I knew.

"Actually I'm originally from the Sinnoh region," he smiled.

"Wait, so then are you considered white or are you like ethnic?" I queried tolerantly. "Because like sometimes you think someone's white but then it turns out they're from like South Africa or something and it's confusing."

"Well my mom's Chinese but my dad is actually Malaysian," he answered. I pretended like I knew the difference. "But they both moved to Sinnoh for work." Honestly I didn't care about his parents and I immediately regretted asking in the first place.

"OK well I'm white but my great-great grandmother's cousin married a Brazilian so I guess technically I'm like 1/36th Spanish or whatever," I said, proud of my diverse heritage.

"Brazil and Spain are two totally different countries."

"Whoa, is this a geography class or a hospital?" I said hilariously. No one had ever made a joke like that before.

"Never mind. Anyway now that you're awake I'm gonna take off. Maybe I'll see you around sometime," he splorted. I blushed erotically and winked as he walked away, his butt gyrating as though floating on the sea.

I turned to Shaqira who lay in the bed next to me and whispered, "C'mon, Shaqira! It's time to get that badge!"


	5. Cross

"I seriously cannot wait to have my first trainer battle, Shaqira!" I screamed excitedly, "And it's against a gym leader, too!"

"Squawk!" Shaqira chirped in agreement.

"What level are you anyway? 50?" I asked. To my horror she held up only 12 fingers. "Level 12! Why did the professor give me such a weak Pokémon? Ugh."

Shaqira looked sad and for good reason: she was seriously pathetic. In times like this I tried to look to Xylark for strength but I was beginning to doubt I would be able to live up to his standards with such a lackluster Pokémon. If only I could make her stronger somehow.

"That's it!" I queefed, grabbing Shaqira suddenly, shaking her as hard as I could.

"What?" she asked.

"The Yellow Diamonds! That's how we'll make you stronger! If they worked on Rianna they'll have to work on you!"

"Excuse me, were you just talking about the Yellow Diamonds?" a melodic voice asked from behind. I turned around and was gobsmacked by the miraculous creature that stood serenely in front of me. To say she was beautiful would be like saying Mr. Mime was gay: an unforgiveable understatement. The obsidian strands of her hair coiled loosely around her face, tendrils dancing haphazardly on her shoulders, unsure of which way they'd fall. Her dark eyes seemed to pierce right through me, both judging and forgiving me with just one glance. Her nude lips began to part again as I held my breathe in anticipation for her next words. Needless to say I had a boner.

"Did you hear me?" she asked. I nodded, snapping myself back to reality. This chick was nowhere near as hot as me. No way.

"OMG I heard you the first time, damn," I flirted. "But yeah, we were talking about the Yellow Diamonds. I figured they'd work on my Shaqira since she's an Angel type just like Rianna."

"Wow! I've never seen an Angel type in real life!" she cooed. "I would love to have one but I'm too scared to catch a Pokémon. What if I hurt one of them?"

"I don't think Pokémon can get hurt. See, watch," I explained as I kicked Shaqira's nose sideways.

"Spritzee!" she yelled dramatically, obviously putting on a show for the exotic beauty. She was always joking around like that.

"Why does she say, 'Spritzee,' instead of her name?" the stranger asked.

"I haven't figured it out yet. I think maybe she's foreign or something," I explained.

"I see. Then she and I have something in common, don't we?" she smiled, leaning down to pet Shaqira who immediately cowered and started trembling.

"I think she likes you," I winked. "Where are you from?"

"Oh, my family lives in a small village in the desert. There was nothing for me there though so I came here for some adventure."

"Neat-o," I said smoothly, "so why did you ask about the Yellow Diamonds anyway?"

"I've read the story too. I was so inspired by how Xylark was able to defeat all odds and follow his dreams despite everyone holding him back. You know, sometimes I stare at the sky at night hoping to see Rianna fly overhead, but I know it's just a story."

"It's not, though," I said, "and I'm going to prove it."

"How?"

"I'm not sure. Yet. But finding the Yellow Diamonds would be a good start."

She blushed, "You remind me a lot of Him."

"Who?"

"Xylark, of course," she giggled. "So I guess that'd make me Tilly."

"No, you can't be Tilly. I already met her and she's a total bitch."

"Oh, OK. Well then I guess I'll just be me," she laughed.

"And who's that?"

"My name is ʢabara," she said.

"I don't know how to say that letter," I confessed, but I didn't really feel that bad because she chose to live in this country so she should've learned how to speak our language.

"Lolz, it's okey," she said maturely.

"Anyway," I segued, "do you happen to know where the gym is around here? I really have to start working on getting badges if I want to be anything like Xylark."

"Sure, and if you don't mind I'd like to travel with you. Doing this all alone has been so boring. Is it OK?" she purred.

"I guess," I said definitively.

"Great! All right, let's go to the gym! The specialty here in Adelton is Poison so your Angel-type should have no problem!"

"I think it's pronounced 'Adele Town'," I corrected. I couldn't believe how many people messed up that name and I even had seen it spelled incorrectly on several signs around town. It was ridiculous. "Well you may not be smart, but at least you're pretty, ʧabara."

"ʢabara."

"Whatever."


	6. Visual Assault

"Oh, there you are, Qris," a physically unattractive voice retched at me as I turned the corner with my main girl ʄabara.

"It's 'ʢabara'," she corrected, "and why is that thing yelling at you? What is it?"

"Oh, it's just my friend," I said, sighing loudly in Plaen's face. "Believe me she was the best my town had to offer besides me, otherwise I would've never talked to her in the first place."

"I understand. Where I'm from we throw people like her into a deep hole soon after birth. What do you call her?" ʢabara asked sensitively.

"My name is Plaen," the plain bitch interrupted rudely like she was annoyed or something. I couldn't believe she was being impolite in front of my new best friend.

"How fitting," ʢabara responded sweetly. "We're going to the gym. You should come; it looks like you need to work out."

"Ugh," Plaen grunted cavemanly. "I hate to break it to you but the gym leader's gone. I was just there with Hop looking for you and there was a sign up saying he was in some mountain or something."

"Who's Hop?" I asked, confused as to why someone would have been hanging out with Plaen.

"We met her in the forest. Remember? You called her Tilly and she kicked your ass."

"Oh, yes," ʢabara chimed in, "he told me about this. Is it true Tilly's bitchier in real life?"

"She isn't Tilly. Tilly's not real. What is wrong with you people?" Plaen aggressed.

"What do you mean, you people?" ʢabara asked defensively. Plaen was such a racist piece of shit.

"You are such a racist piece of shit," I added helpfully. "Oh but that reminds me I met a hot Asian guy today in the forest! His name was Yksvynys though which I'm pretty sure is not usually an Asian name, although I can't remember what kind he is."

"What 'kind'?" Plaen asked as though I had stuttered.

"Yeah, what kind of Asian. There are lots of countries over there, Plaen. Stop being so ignorant," I scolded. ʢabara nodded her head in agreement which was good since I was right. I could tell ʢabara and I were going to get along just fine.

"I'm started to feel overwhelmed by her appearance, Qris," ʢabara complained, holding her nose in order to signify that Plaen's superficial qualities were similar to how garbage and feces smelled. "Let's go look for Clord."

"Clord?"

"The gym leader here. He's a very nice man although he is kind of a bad dancer," she giggled.

"How would you know?" Plaen asked as though anyone had been talking to her.

"SHUT UP, PLAEN," I yelled calmly.

"Well I was at the club the other day, right? Usually I get into clubs for free because I'm so beautiful but on this particular night the doorman was a gay so he didn't respond to my large breasts," she explained, pulling out one of the tanned boobs to highlight her point, "so anyway this guy came up to me and told me I had the roundest breasts he had ever seen. I already knew this fact but I didn't want to offend him because I could tell he had money. Anyway he ended up paying for my entrance fee and even got in several fights for me while I was dancing since men are unable to control themselves in my presence. Like this one time while I was traveling through Europe as a fashion model and I decided to stop at a monastery to take pictures and one of the monks there said very sweetly that he would have sex with me even though it meant he would go to hell."

"Look, ʢabara, we don't have time for –" Plaen started but ʢabara held up her hand and pushed it very forcefully into the ugly interrupter's face, which actually looked better that way.

"So, like I was saying, we were dancing and I could tell he had an erection because he had it out and I was thinking it was kind of hot but his dance moves were seriously lacking so there was no way I was going to touch it," she continued.

"Of course not," I agreed. One time I touched a white person's erection even though white people can't dance and I've regretted it ever since.

"Exactly. So I told him this and he said that he was the gym leader here and that he would give me a badge if I touched his wee-wee and I was like OK because I had brought hand sanitizer with me since it kills 99.99% of germs and there was a very low chance that that last 0.01% would be resting on his flesh éclair. So yeah, that's how I got the badge," she smiled Xylarkly.

"Oh yeah, well I went to the club last week and I walked right up the the DJ and requested a song and he played it immediately two hours later," I one-upped sassily.

"That's very nice for you, Divann," she smiled.

"Qris," I corrected with a tone of voice that indicated how displeased I was with the misnomer.

"Oh, sorry!" she giggled. "You just kind of remind me of him." Oh, hell no. She was lucky we were in public because anywhere else I would've read her ass until she felt like how Plaen looked.

"Actually, this is kind of entertaining," the aforementioned atrocity butted in. "I think I'll tag along with you guys for a bit."

"No one invited you, Plaen," I said factually.

"No, she can come," ʢabara buzzkilled. "Every group needs an ugly member, right?"

"Good call! But what about Tilly?" I asked, sneering.

Plaen rolled her eyes and said, "She told me she had to go take care of something and that she might catch up to me later." ʢabara and I had already stopped listening and were heading down the path leading out of the city.

"Come on, Shaqira!" I ordered sensually. "Are you ready for a mountain adventure?" No answer. Fuck. I had forgotten her in front of the hospital. "Goddammit, Plaen, I can't believe you forgot Shaqira."

"What? No, she's right here," she said, pointing to a pink puff of Pokémon shivering behind her hair. As I approached to rescue her from her disgusting surroundings she started joking around and flinching like I was going to hit her or something.

"You're so funny, Shaqira," I smiled, clenching my teeth and glaring lovingly at her, "but it's time to walk with daddy!" I managed to grab a fistful of feathers and yank her into my loving embrace, squeezing her tightly.

"It's so cute seeing you two bond," ʢabara smiled. "Maybe it's time I get a Pokémon of my own."

"Yay!" I yayed as we disappeared into the mist, ready for any obstacle that stood in our way.


	7. Clord and the Goop Badge

As I looked around at the nature surrounding the mountain trail I felt truly blessed that I had been born into a civilized culture with air conditioning and tanning beds. I couldn't imagine the hardships my ancestors faced out here in the urine-soaked wilderness, having to eat whatever creature passed by without even Taco Bell sauce to season them. I once heard someone say nature was beautiful but that person must've been hella ugly to think something as insane as that. Maybe they meant inner beauty but as far as I know the Earth has mole people inside it and they are not very cute at all.

"Ew," I commented as I passed by some woodland creature whose face was so asymmetrical I got vertigo just from looking at it.

"That's the fifth time you've said that to me, Qris," the horrifying mountain beast exclaimed, "so stop it."

"I can't help it, Plaen. You know how I feel about symmetrical faces," I said. One time I was going to be on the cover of Vogue Italia as part of my prize package for winning America's Next Top Model a few days ago but they said they couldn't use my picture because my face was so symmetrical and perfect that it would cause people everywhere to have low self-esteem.

"Well then you must love my face," ʢabara cut in. "It's symmetrical both vertically and horizontally. Scientists say it's very rare and very beautiful; in fact just last week I got a call from Vogue Italia saying their old cover model was too ordinary so they invited me to do it instead."

Obviously she was either lying or mistaken about that last part but I didn't want to embarrass her so I didn't say anything. I was very conscious of other people's feelings like that.

"Hey, Plaen, what's your mom doing here?" I laughed, pointing to a dead squirrel whose insides were being picked apart by a crow.

"Fuck you," the inconsiderate twat blurted out totally unprovoked before storming off ahead.

"Why did she get so upset?" ʢabara asked.

"Oh, she's just being dramatic. Her mom was attacked and eaten by a flock of Fearow so sometimes I joke around with her about it," I explained.

"That's funny," she lolled. "Oh, wait, there's Clord! Clord!"

From the fog emerged a towering hunk of man flesh with long, flowing blonde hair whose color reminded me of really concentrated urine. He had perfectly sculpted eyebrows that waved mystically in the wind as though dancing to a freeform jazz remix of "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 and deep glow-in-the-dark eyes that glared at me lustfully yet innocently like the Kidz Bop version of "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5.

"I'm Qris," I introduced flirtatiously. "I can tell from the size of your bulge that you have a large dong-dong."

"Hey, ʢabara!" he yelled, obviously ignoring me because I intimidated him. "It's really good to see you again. You here to earn another badge?"

"LOL no," she replied coquettishly, "but my friend here is. His name is Qris," she introduced.

"Sorry, kid, the gym's closed today. I'm busy," he replied.

"Oh, well is there any other way I could earn a badge?" I asked shyly, pointing to where his wonkerdongle slept.

"No," he replied. I knew he was just saying that so ʢabara didn't get jealous so I decided to play along.

"What are you doing here anyway?" ʢabara asked.

"Well, I heard word of a Pokémon rare to this region swarming here today so I figured I'd come try to find it but I'm not having much luck," he sighed.

"You can have my Pokémon," I offered, holding out Shaqira who I kept forgetting existed. "She's an Angel type."

"That's a Fairy type," he responded inaccurately. How could they let someone who knew so little about Pokémon become a gym leader?

"You're a Fairy type," I rebutted cleverly.

"You know, you're really started to annoy me, kid," Clord joked sarcastically, "so how about this: we'll battle right now, one-on-one. If you win you get the Goop Badge, but if you lose you have to give me your Spritzee and go back to wherever it is you came from."

"Blingville," I added, realizing that last part was obviously just a subtle way to find out where I lived since I didn't even have a Spritzee or whatever it was called.

"I don't care," he lied before throwing a Poké Ball sexily before his feet. "Go Ekans!"

"Ekans," Ekans hissed ekansly.

"Go, Shaqira!" I screamed despite her already being out on the field.

"Ekans, use Poison Jab!" he yelled, completely ignorant to the fact the Angel type was immune to everything but Psychic, Dragon, Ghost, and Dark.

"LOL," I responded seriously. "Use Angel Flame Ball!"

Before Shaqira even had a chance to start charging her attack something really strange happened: Ekans impaled her with its poisonous thrust.

"You're cheating!" I screamed. Obviously this Ekans had been created using Game Shark so it was able to hit past immunities. No fair.

"Another Poison Jab, Ekans!" he clordered.

"No!" I yelled as I watched my poor Shaqira be crushed under the weight of the hacked snake's attack.

"Looks like you're done for," Clord said annoyingly.

"Not yet! We're not going to let some Game Genie cheater Pokémon beat us! We'll win this the honest way! Use Tackle, Shaqira! Quick!" I yelled as I ran up to her twitching body, picked her up, and hurled her directly a Clord's face.

"Ouch!" he screamed as the pink Pokémon thudded against his godlike features, causing him to stumble backward toward the edge of a cliff. "Fuck!"

"No cursing!" I ordered and gave him a push to show him what happened when people said bad words around me. As he fell down onto the rocks I heard him shouting even more dirty swear words which was really inappropriate since I had literally just told him not to do that. Apparently he finally got the message, though, since as soon as he landed he lay there silently.

"He must've been sleepy," I said, shaking my head at his laziness.

"Ekans," Ekans cried like a sore loser and flew away.

"Well at least he left the badge," I said, pointing to a metallic piece of metal next to the edge of the cliff.

"Oh good. It's too bad he didn't stick around a little longer, though, isn't it?" ʢabara added even though I hadn't asked for an opinion. Suddenly a giant yellow ostrich flew down to us with a note hanging from its beak.

"For you, ma'am," it said before taking off again.

"What is it?" I asked as I watched ʢabara's face drain of color.

"I have to go. I'll meet back with you later," she said rudely and headed back down the mountain.

"Well I guess we'd better find Plaen so we can rub our win in her face," I said to Shaqira who was still twitching, one of its eyelids hanging limply across the path. "LOL you're so funny. Now, I wonder where she could've gone," I pondered as we headed further into the fog completely unaware of the danger that lay just ahead of us.


	8. Mindspeak

In my country the ostrich was often referred to as the "tall chicken of misfortune" so the fact that one had been sent to deliver me a message was ominous. I was used to getting lots of letters but usually they were love letters due to me being very gorgeous and usually they were sent by regular mail or by electronic mail since ostrich mail was rare especially considering the fact that ostriches didn't exist in the Pokémon world. As is probably obvious by my explanation this was not a love letter but instead a warning letter. Someone was coming to find me; someone I didn't particularly ever want to see again.

"Ingiliizi is coming, ʢabara."

That's all the message said - no signature or anything which actually I thought was kind of impolite since it meant I wasn't able to respond back with one of the brand-new "Thank You" cards I had just ordered.

"I can't believe he's found me," I said to the waitress after she came back with my Diet Coke. I didn't really need to leave Qris when I did but I had been wanting to try out this café I had seen on our way out of town so I just pretended like I was upset so I could leave.

"Who?" the waitress asked suspiciously. I wasn't about to fall for that. Ingiliizi wasn't his real name but she had to have known exactly who I was talking about. There was no way she was going to get me to say his real name: it was far too horrifying and disturbing to speak aloud.

"You work for him, don't you!" I accused, sexily getting up and throwing my drink erotically in her face. "And that was Coke Zero, not Diet Coke, whore!"

The evil witch waitress just trembled and began to cry like a Cherubi that had its vestigial head ripped off.

"You'll have to try harder next time, Ingiliizi!" I screamed to the sky as I bolted away from the café. Obviously he had sent that waitress to spy on me but I was far too smart to be fooled that easily.

"I know what I need to do," I said inside my head so that no one could hear me. It may sound strange but I had always had an ability to say words out loud silently in my brain that only I could hear as though I were talking to myself but without physically speaking. It's very hard to describe this phenomenon but usually I tried to keep it to myself since no one would believe that someone could be both as physically attractive as me and also have amazing psychic abilities.

"I have to change my appearance so he doesn't recognize me," I said in my magical way to myself. I had changed quite a bit before so I was sure I could change again. But in what way?

"You could always change back," I suggested.

"No!" I screamed, offended I would even propose something so ludicrous.

"Then how? What if you are less gorgeous in your disguise?" I wondered.

"That's it!" I shouted excitedly. "You're a genius, ʢabara! I'll just make myself ugly so Ingiliizi won't even want to find me!" With hope in my heart I sashayed to the nearest shopping mall.

"How can I help you?" the saleswoman asked as I entered a small boutique that both smelled like an old woman's fart and looked like an old woman's fart.

"Yes, actually. I'm trying to find something to wear that is very unappealing to men. Where did you get your outfit?" I asked politely but she just rolled her eyes and walked away. It looked like I was in this one for myself. I rushed around the store grabbing anything that reminded me in even the slightest bit of something the Indigo Girls would wear.

"Ma'am!" I yelled to the saleswoman who was still being a bitch and ignoring me. "Where is your lesbian section? I know you must have one unless you got your clothes at a different store."

No response. I had never had a lesbian ignore me like this before so it was very shocking. Maybe she wasn't a lesbian after all. No, that couldn't be right. Why would she dress like that if she weren't a pussplunger?

I went to the dressing rooms to try on my hideous findings but to my dismay nothing worked. Somehow every piece of clothing I put on magically became breathtaking simply because I was wearing it. I began to feel defeated so I crumpled up all the clothes and threw them across the dressing room floor so that it would be easier for the staff to come get them later. I was always thinking of others like that.

"Well that didn't work," I sighed in my mystical mind speech. No matter how hard I tried there was no way I was going to be able to hide from Ingiliizi.

"Why couldn't I be ugly like you?" I said to an unpleasant-looking woman as she passed by me in the street. It wasn't fair.

"Well if I can't hide from him it looks like I'll have to prepare myself to kill him once and for all," I decided in my brain. "I guess I'll finally have to get a Pokémon. Maybe I'll go find Qris and ask to have his Shaqira. He doesn't deserve an Angel-type Pokémon; I'm much more like Xylark than he is."

I decided to head back to the mountain to take what was rightfully mine but not minutes after leaving the Adele Town city limits I was met with a terrifying sight.


	9. Xylark's Blessing

A poor Pokémon hissed as its evil owner screamed at it and tugged violently on a string tied around its neck.

"You stop that!" I yelled at the woman whose eye shadow looked like it had been applied by a drunk preschooler. "In my country we would tie your eyelids to a galloping camel for this kind of behavior!"

"Mind your own business, brown bitch," the white bitch screamed racistly as she continued dragging the defenseless Pokémon along the ground. Something about it seemed very familiar to me but I couldn't quite place it.

"You have five seconds to let it go!" I screamed but suddenly regretted my decision. I had never learned to count in English so I was hoping she wouldn't call my bluff.

"Come on, Rianna," the sinister trainer sneered at the small creature.

"I should have known!" I screamed, finally realizing where I had seen that Pokémon before. "I'll save you, Rianna!"

The evil whore trainer reached down to snatch Rianna away but I was too fast. In the blink of an eye I had rescued the legendary creature and was running full-speed sensually toward the mountain, the pale monster's screams fading into the distance.

I spotted a clearing beyond some trees with a small pond and decided there would be a good place to rest with my new companion Rianna.

"I'm so blessed you have chosen me," I purred, stroking her velvet fur in a platonic way even though I wouldn't have minded getting a little more intimate.

"Rianna," she mewed magically. Her coat was pink just like in Yellow Diamonds and her eyes sparkled with the glitter of a billion gay bars. The only things that was missing were her golden earrings but I figured her past owner must've stolen them and sold them at a pawn shop like on that TV show about people selling things at a pawn shop.

"You poor thing," I whispered, gently caressing her ears, "but don't worry; I can fix this." I pet her rhythmically as I looked around the field for something to help her. Finally I stumbled upon a broken syringe that was lying near a stained mattress by the edge of the clearing.

"Hm, a doctor must sleep here," I said in my brain voice. "Why else would there be needles lying around?"

I held Rianna tightly against my breasts that were very large but not too over-the-top. I had often been complimented about my breasts by kind male strangers so I knew they must've been perfect. I cradled Rianna's head assertively and jabbed the needle through her left lobe. She let out a pained meow but I knew it couldn't have been that bad since there wasn't really much more blood on the needle than had already been there when I found it. I did the same for the other ear and then adorned her with my very own exclusive gold earrings that had been designed specifically for me by Alexander McQueen.

"These will have to do for now," I whispered. She must've been tired from all the excitement of the day because she had already fallen asleep in my arms.

"Thank you, Xylark," I praised to the heavens. Qris may have gotten an Angel-type Pokémon too but he was going to be so jealous that Rianna had chosen me to be her trainer.

"Let's go find the little homo," I said, nuzzling my new partner emotionally on her face. "I bet he'll cry when he sees you."

As I stood up to leave the meadow I caught a glimpse of what appeared to be two English eyes staring straight at me from behind the trees. I was used to men ogling me but this somehow felt different possibly due to the fact I couldn't hear the squishy masturbation noises that usually accompanied such a stare.

"Take a picture - it'll last longer," I said for the first time in recorded human history. It must've confused him because not a second after the melodic words had left my mouth the eyes had disappeared into the darkness.

"Now we definitely have to find Qris. There's no way someone would want to stalk him so I'm sure we'll be safe in his company," I said to Rianna as we headed up the mountain path.

"But can we trust him?" she asked foreshadowingly.


	10. Unrefined Palate

How could ʢabara leave me up here all alone like this? At least I had Shaqira with me but I was beginning to think she was a useless piece of shit.

"Are you a piece of shit, Shaqira?" I asked her straight-up just like Queen Paula Abdul would've done it.

"Spritzee," she responded incoherently but that was enough to convince me I was right. Hopefully I'd find some Yellow Diamonds soon so she would stop being such a burden.

"Ahh!" a grotesque voice suddenly screamed deep within the fog. There was only one person in all the Katiperi Region with a shriek that unsightly.

"Plaen, stop being gay and get over here. I'm tired of being outside," I ordered.

"Ahh!" she responded as though she hadn't even been paying attention to what I was saying. I stood there, tapping my foot and waiting for her to appear from the mist but nothing happened. I heard what sounded like bones shattering and even more unpleasant screaming and decided I might as well go see what could possibly be more interesting to her than obeying what I said.

"Ahh!" she screeched again.

"OMG get a thesaurus," I said wittily, proud that I had been able to deliver such a substantial zinger despite still being unable to see my target. Finally, though, there was a break in the fog and before me slithered a massive Seviper bigger than anything I had ever seen before, which was pretty impressive considering the amount of interracial gay porn I'd seen. In its mouth was what appeared to be a hairy manatee but suddenly it let out another scream and I realized who it was.

"Plaen, you should see yourself right now," I laughed. "You look like a Honey Boo Boo ragdoll flopping around like that."

The Seviper that was causing the flopping must've found it to be a pretty amusing comparison because suddenly it started laughing uncontrollably and dropped Plaen gingerly onto the ground from at least a few yards in the air. She landed with a thud and I pretended to lose my balance in order to comically imply that she was so heavy she caused an earthquake. It was amazing how I was able to be so hilarious in the face of such danger. Once the Seviper realized what I was doing it began cracking up again but it got carried away and died from lack of oxygen.

"You're welcome," I said to Plaen as she lay bleeding, her unappealing body mangled almost beyond recognition which was actually kind of a step up from how she looked before.

"Nnghhupff," she slurred, her jaw hanging askew.

"Close enough," I said, "but still, we should probably get you to the hospital."

"Ffnngh," she whimpered rudely. I couldn't believe she was using such language while I was being so nice to her. I started looking for a downward slope that would deliver her body to the bottom of the mountain but before I got very far I heard another scream.

"What is it, scream o'clock?" I asked sarcastically but before anyone could answer me a moderately attractive girl whose appearance isn't worth describing ran up, panting.

"You've got to help me!" she shouted.

"Oh good, are you with the moving company? My friend's right over there so just bring her to the hospital. Thanks," I said kindly and put a dollar bill in her hand as a tip. I could tell from how she was dressed that she wasn't used to seeing that much money at once.

"What?" she said, somehow confused by my words. If she wasn't here to help me with Plaen then why was she even talking to me?

"Please, ma'am," she misgendered, "you've got to help me. I was just attacked."

"What a coincidence, so was my friend. So like I said, she's right over there, so if you could please take her to the hospital that would be great, thanks. I'm in a bit of a hurry so I'll leave you to it." I informed her politely and turned to head down the path.

"Wait! She's out there! She'll get you too!" she cried. Obviously she wasn't going to get to work until I heard her out.

"Fine, tell me what happened," I acquiesced.

"Well, I was out taking my cat for a walk, right?" she started.

"Wait, why would you take your cat for a walk?" I asked.

"That's not the point!" she screamed irrationally. "So I was out there with my cat but she was refusing to walk and all of a sudden this woman jumps out and starts shouting at me. I tried to get away but she got my baby Rihanna and ran off with her. Please, please, help me get her back!"

"Why would you name your cat Rihanna?" I asked. "Rianna is a much better name."

"Oh, I'm not really a fan of Yellow Diamonds," she obviously lied.

"Fuck you," I responded like any sane person would and pushed her to the ground.

"Ouch!" she cried. "That's it, I'm going to the police. Then both you and that Sheikah bitch are going to jail!"

"Like I care," I said nonchalantly then pretended not to notice her until she had disappeared again into the mist.

"Well, I guess I'll have to take you down myself," I said to Plaen even though the last thing I wanted was to be seen with her.

As I was wrapping her head with a piece of cloth I had found in the mud, a familiarly sweet voice whispered, "Maybe I can help?"


	11. Beginning of the Envy

"Oh hey ʢabara. Glad you're back," I sighed with relief. I could probably con her into getting Plaen down the mountain by talking about how it's female empowerment or some of that misandry stuff all the ladies seemed to be crazy about on the Internet chat rooms.

"I have a surprise," she said mysteriously, winking once with one eye then a second time with her other and then alternating back to the first again. It was the most complex winking sequence I had ever seen so I knew the surprise would be equally as impressive.

"So do I," I said because the topic had been about something other than me for way too long. I pointed to Plaen and laughed, "Look how stupid she looks, lol."

"That's hilarious," she replied, "but I think this is a bit more interesting." I was pretty upset she would think that something not related to me could be more interesting than something related to me but I decided to wait until she showed me what it was before informing her that her opinion was wrong. She reached deep into her hair and pulled out a catlike creature with sparkling, catlike eyes and beautiful, catlike orange fur that looked like it had been hastily painted pink with nail polish.

"It's Rianna," she said and held the legendary Pokémon above her head like a glittering trophy.

"Wowzers," I responded, trying to conceal my jealousy even though I didn't care because whatever. Who cares? Not me. I didn't care. Big deal. "She doesn't really look how I pictured her, though."

"I know, it's her earrings. Her previous owner was an evil troll that abused her mercilessly and sold her magical jewelry for profit. But I saved her before it was too late," she said proudly.

"What about her wings?" I asked.

"You don't see them?" she responded, confused. Oh no. I couldn't see her wings. I didn't want Xylark to think I had trespassed against him so I quickly assured ʢabara that I was only joking.

"I was only joking," I assured her.

"Jokes are for ugly people, Qris. Like her," she added, pointing to Plaen.

"Good point. Well, actually now that we have Rianna we can just transform her to Furrghi and fly to the hospital!" I suggested.

"We? She's mine, Qris. You already have your Pokémon. Or did you already forget about little Shaqilonila?"

"It's Shaqira," I corrected angrily. I was beginning to dislike this new ʢabara. Why would Xylark have chosen her to possess Rianna? No, I refused to believe it. Something wasn't right.

"Whatever. Either way I obviously don't have the Yellow Diamonds because I just got her like ten minutes ago," she said.

"Will you guys shut up and get me to the hospital?" Plaen screamed out of nowhere, completely interrupting our dialogue.

"What happened to her anyway?" ʢabara asked.

"We found that Pokémon Clord was looking for – a Seviper. It must've thought Plaen was a giant rat since it was trying to eat her," I explained.

"That'll probably be the only time she gets eaten," ʢabara said sassily and to my horror Rianna meowed in agreement. They didn't do a choreographed dance routine to celebrate the insult so I was still hopeful that maybe Xylark hadn't chosen her and was just using her as a way to get Rianna to me. I reached out to pet my future companion but suddenly I sneezed really loudly and a booger came out but I blamed that last part on Plaen so that Rianna wouldn't think I was gross.

"Excuse me," I said, bowing to the feline Pokémon, but as I came back up I sneezed again.

"Stop it, Divann," ʢabara ordered rudely.

"I told you not to call me that again," I sneered and then lunged at her. We heatedly exchanged slaps for what seemed like seconds before finally Rianna curled up on my face to take a nap despite it impeding my vision and distracting me from the task at hand.

"Good job, Rianna!" ʢabara screamed as slap after slap slapped my face while I flailed around like a flamboyantly homosexual megalomaniacal teenager with a cat on his face. The sneezing started again which actually worked toward my advantage because the force blew Rianna onto ʢabara's head.

"Owies!" she screamed in pain as the angelic Pokémon latched onto her hair, struggling to steady itself but eventually losing its balance and sliding off the top of her head. As she plummeted I noticed ʢabara's hair shift as well but before it moved too much the foreign princess caught Rianna and quickly fixed her weave.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Nothing. You must be hallucinating," she replied defensively. "I know you gays love taking drugs so I wouldn't be surprised if you were high right now." She was right, actually: I was constantly high.

"Let's just forget it, OK?" she continued and started pushing Plaen down the path with her unusually large foot.

"And why is your foot so big?" I asked sensitively.

"Why is your stupid so big?" she responded, completely shutting me down. There was no way I would be able to compete with a rebuttal of that caliber, so I just let the whole thing go. At least I knew I could borrow her shoes if I ever needed some stilettos because I also had big feet but that was OK since it's common knowledge that people with large feet have large genitals and I was living proof of that.

"I hate you guys," Plaen blurted out rudely as she slid down the slippery mudslide toward the base of the mountain, but I didn't give a fuck. I just kept eying Rianna, trying to figure out why she seemed so familiar to me.


	12. Familiar Hospitality

"You're right, Rianna! Let's go!" ʢabara yelled suddenly and ran off down an alley as soon as we stepped into Amandabynesville, which at first seemed like a pretty nice town, but as I dragged Plaen's body toward the hospital things got way dirtier and the buildings started looking more and more unstable.

"Welcome to Amorabbyville Hospital," a nurse greeted as soon as we walked through the doors. I didn't bother to correct her pronunciation of the town since I assumed she just didn't want to say the actual name for fear of summoning the eponymous woman's demented spirit.

"Thanks, my friend needs help. I left her outside because I didn't want to be seen walking in with her just in case there were any hot guys in here," I said, looking up and down at the pasty orderly who had welcomed us, "but I guess I had nothing to worry about."

The gross nurse pouted plaenly and called up some other germ-ridden hospital people to go pick up my beastly bestie and hopefully make her look somewhat presentable. Oh, and also to make sure she got better and all that or whatever.

"I'll just go check out the gift shop," I said to Plaen who totally ignored me as she was being carted away. What a bitch. "C'mon, Shaqira."

"Spritzee," she responded disappointingly.

"Ugh, forget the gift shop," I sighed. "We have to get that fixed! You are the only Pokémon I know that can't say its own name."

I grabbed Shaqira by her foot and held her out away from me as I walked because the pink she had on did not go with what I was wearing and there was no way I was going to let anyone think my outfit wasn't coordinated.

"Qris? Is that you?" a sexy Asian voice said as I swished madonnaly around the corner. In front of me stood that very same green-haired hottie I had encountered at the café in the woods.

"Yksvynys!" I shouted, quickly throwing Shaqira into a mop bucket next to me.

"Oh, for a second I thought your outfit was uncoordinated but I see now that it's not," he said, rubbing my chest up and down erotically. Thank god I had gotten rid of her before it was too late. "So what are you doing here?"

"This ugly girl I know got hurt so I brought her here so they could heal her," I said, lustily running my fingers across his cheek.

"Wow, you helped her even though she's not physically attractive?" he asked as his finger slipped slowly in and out of my mouth. "That's so brave of you."

"I know, just like in that movie," I whispered, my mouth trembling just inches from his ear.

"What movie?" he panted. His fingertips began exploring every inch of my body, his tongue sliding around sensually on my eyeball.

"Brave," I cummed. "OK, I'm done. I'd better go check on Plaen now."

"Wait, Qris," he called in ecstasy. Wow, I didn't need someone this clingy around me with everything else that was going on in my life.

"What?"

"Would you want to go out for dinner sometime?" he asked presumptuously.

"Oh, well, umm," I started decisively. "We're actually not going to be in town very long so I don't think I'll have time."

"Well, where are you going next? I'll see if we can get transferred there."

"Who's we?" I questioned jealously. "You'd better not have some boyfriend or girlfriend or pet or something because I can not put up with that shit."

"My parents. Remember, I said they had moved to Sinnoh for work but now they're here in the Catapuri Region," he mispronounced.

"So? What, you live with your parents?" I asked, raising my eyebrow dismissively because 90's female R&B groups had taught me that I didn't need a man who lived with his parents.

"I sort of work for the same people they do," he said mysteriously as though I was supposed to be curious enough to ask more questions. After a few seconds of silence he continued, "for Team Galactic."

"I don't really like football," I said and began walking away.

"Team Galactic isn't a sports team," he said suddenly then lowered his voice and added, "They're an international criminal organization."

"Hot," I said figuratively. "So you're like a gangster."

"No, I just take care of their members," he explained. "If someone gets injured they come to me so they don't have to deal with officials. That's why I move around a lot: I go where the team goes."

"And why is Galactic here?" I asked. "Are you looking for the Yellow Diamonds?"

"No, you can find that story anywhere online," he explained as I rolled my eyes at his cluelessness. "They're looking for Dialga and Palkia."

"Why?"

"They want to create a new universe."

"Why?"

"Because they don't like this one."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Qris. My parents actually don't talk about it with me that much."

"Why?"

"I just assume they don't want me to get more involved. They feel guilty enough that I've been roped into basically being a mob doctor."

"Why?"

"Because they know if I leave the team will kill me."

"Why?" I continued flirtatiously.

"I don't know, it's some crime organization thing, Qris. For fuck's sake, stop asking why," he ended impatiently.

I smirked salaciously, my lips parting just enough to reveal my moist tongue which began sliding around to form the singular phoneme required to ask, "Why?"

"Never mind," he whined and started to turn away. I could tell he was upset I had outsmarted him with my amazing word-games so I decided to play along.

"So you don't want to create a new universe?" I asked.

"Not really, no. I know my parents buy into Chevron's bullshit but I don't."

"Who's Chevron? That's a stupid name," I commented.

"She's the leader of Team Galactic. She says everyone will benefit from this new universe but I know she's lying."

"Because she has a stupid name?"

"No. Well, yes, actually, but there are other reasons too. From the research I've done everything suggests that only the one who harnesses the power of Dialga and Palkia will survive from the old universe into the new one."

"And why haven't you told your parents?"

"Obviously I have, Qris," he said like I was supposed to know that already or something. Damn. "They didn't listen. I actually feel better about the whole thing being around to keep an eye on them, though. No one could find either Pokémon in Sinnoh so they've come here but they don't really have any idea where they could be."

"I bet Rianna would know," I suggested.

"I mean, maybe. I like her music but I don't really know how familiar she is with legendary Pokémon," he added. I just chuckled at his mix-up but got a little carried away and sneezed twenty times in a row.

"Wow!" he wowed. "That was a lot of sneezes."

"Yeah, it's been happening a lot lately," I complained.

"It's probably just allergies," he said doctorly. "Are you allergic to anything?"

"Just cats but there aren't any around so that can't be it. Maybe I'm just allergic to hot Japanese guys," I winked.

"I'm half-Chinese, half-Malay," he explained but I just nodded since I was pretty sure he was making one of those words up.

"Anyway, I really should go check on Plaen. But after we hit up the gym here we'll probably just head to whichever town is closest that we can reach using the HMs we have currently."

"Hopefully I'll see you there," he winked and then medically doctored away. I plucked Shaqira out of the bucket but she was wet so I immediately dropped her again because nothing smelled worse than a wet Pokémon.

"Dry yourself off and then meet me in Plaen's room," I ordered. "Oh, and learn how to say your name correctly."

"Spritzira," she mumbled. It was a pathetic attempt but I guess I couldn't ask for much more. As I walked down the hallway searching for Plaen I couldn't help but think how much better life would be if Rianna were mine instead of stupid ʢabara's.


	13. The Yellow Diamonds

"I don't think there are any Yellow Diamonds here after all, Rianna," I moaned sadly as we searched the streets of Amandabynesville.

"Yes there are," she said in my head. I had confided with her about my magical ability to speak inside my own brain and ever since then she has been able to communicate with me that way too which was something she never did with Xylark. It seemed that I was better even than Him.

"Look there," she pointed.

In front of us stood a huge jewelry store with all kinds of tacky turquoise pendants and those ugly charm bracelets people wear that you have to pretend to like when you're around them even though they look terrible. Amidst the horror, however, were six gigantic yellow gems set in beautiful silver: a pair of earrings, a necklace, a tiara, a nose ring, and a bracelet.

"The Yellow Diamonds!" I gasped. "But what are they doing in there?" Rianna and I burst dramatically into the store to find out what the meaning of all this was.

"What is the meaning of all this?" I shouted at the decrepit old Jewish lady behind the counter.

"Get out of here this instant!" she shrieked. "No animals allowed!" I couldn't believe this Islamophobic old hag just called me an animal. There was no way she'd get away with that kind of religious intolerance.

"Rianna, use Holy Claws on that Jew bitch!" I commanded as my beautiful angel soared angrily toward the wretched woman.

"Ahh!" she screamed, futilely trying to protect her face from the impending disfiguration. Rianna's French-tipped claws ripped the ragged flesh from her sagging face, blood pulsing out from the wounds. Before Rianna could finish her off, though, the ancient witch threw her against the wall. She crumpled to the ground, inches from death.

"No!" I shouted and luckily she agreed so she stood back up and meowed which was pretty cute since usually Pokémon don't meow. "Save your strength, Rianna! I'll take care of her."

"Get out of here!" the old woman cried again.

"Why do you want me gone, huh?" I asked suspiciously. "Are you hiding something? Did you steal those Yellow Diamonds?" My voice raised higher and higher as I figured out her game. She must've known Rianna would lead me here for the Yellow Diamonds which is why she had created this elaborate diversion. This could only mean one thing: Ingiliizi was not far behind.

"Where is he!" I roared. She sat silent, cowering like a little bug. In my country we ate puny insects like her. I grabbed her wrist and watched as she shook pathetically. "I'll show you what we do to people like you!"

With sexy precision I grabbed a piece of shattered glass from the counter and sliced clean through one of her trembling fingers. I stared into her villainous eyes, put the shriveled digit in my mouth, then swallowed it without even having to chew. Her screams nearly shattered my eardrums. The townspeople must've heard her too since they were crowding around outside, mumbling loudly.

"You don't have to fear this woman anymore!" I cried triumphantly to the mob and jammed the shard of glass swiftly into the old thief's throat. At that moment the crowd started barging through the front door and I realized they must've all been in on the conspiracy. I scooped up Rianna and grabbed the Yellow Diamonds with catlike reflexes before any of them could get to me. As I jumped over the counter and bolted out the back door I turned around and saw a familiar face.

"Ingiliizi!" I gasped in my head to Rianna.

"He's getting ever closer, ʢabara," she whispered in response. "We must take care of him soon."

"Now that we have the Yellow Diamonds it shouldn't be too much a problem," I added, winking so quickly that the exit burst open from the turbulence.

Most of the onlookers had stayed in the building to help their fallen comrade but a few enemies weren't that far behind me. I hoped Qris was having better luck than me in this town but how could I be sure he wasn't working for Ingiliizi too? All I knew was I had to get out of town fast.

I felt like I had been running forever even though it didn't look like it since I never really sweated and I didn't even have to wear deodorant either. Finally Rianna and I reached the Western gate of the town and wound up in a patch of tall grass.

"Maybe we should rest here for the night," I suggested but as I looked around I noticed there weren't any Four Seasons hotels so I realized that wasn't an option. "On second thought we should try to find Qris at the hospital. If Ingiliizi's people find me I'll be able to use him and his stupid Pokémon as decoys and get away."

Rianna nodded picturesquely but suddenly I heard a twig snap behind me followed by a chilling voice that whispered, "It's not my people you have to be worried about, ʢabara."


	14. Zappera and the Spookyghost Badge

"Plaen!" I called as I roamed through the damp hospital corridors. "Where are you!" I couldn't stand being in this depressing pit any longer so I was just about ready to leave her behind, knowing that she could probably make a name for herself in some kind of circus freak sideshow act, when finally I found her.

"Good, let's go," I ordered and dragged her out into the street with Shaqira chirping stupidly on my shoulder. "Where do you think ʢabara went?" I asked but Plaen ignored me. Rude.

"Ugh, anyway, let's go find the gym so I can get the next badge. She's probably there anyway trying to rub out another win for herself," I said cattily. I tried to give Shaqira a high five to commemorate my wit but she was too slow and ended up getting hilariously shoved off my shoulder and onto the ground.

"Shpriqitzee," she tried but I just shook my head at her in disappointment. We came upon a wooden building with beautiful flowers growing from the roof and vines extending all around the sides with a giant sign out front made of bamboo that read "GYM" in all big letters even though it defied most normal rules of capitalization.

"Well, obviously it's a Grass-type gym," I observed astutely. "Shouldn't be a problem for you, should it, Shaqira?"

"Shpee," she pffted in agreement.

"Even Plaen's Smoochum would be able to take care of this one. I keep forgetting she even got a Pokémon. Oh well," I added as I barged in through the giant oak door.

The inside of the building was dark like in that movie 'The Dark Crystal' which I never saw but was assuming the reference worked here since they couldn't put the word "dark" in a movie title if there weren't any darkness, right? Right. I stepped forward vivaciously and suddenly flames shot out from the ground, illuminating the whole arena which was decorated completely in red, orange, and yellow stained glass and had an enormous volcano in the center that spewed lava sensually into the air.

"OK, so it's a Fire-type gym, then. Still no problem for you, Shaqira," I said, angry at the misleading outside décor. Suddenly the volcano ejaculated once more and a solitary woman rose from the gaping caldera.

"My name is Zaperra," she announced, shooting electricity from her fingertips to the ceiling, which began glowing with blue lightning bolt designs. Her platinum blonde hair stood on end, attracted to the currents overhead, but she was wearing one of those rubber dresses like Lady Gaga used to have so I guess she didn't need to be afraid of getting shocked.

"Nice to meet you," she continued but then pointed next to me, "but who's your friend? She looks like garbage."

"Oh, that's Plaen," I laughed, "and I'm Qris." I reached out my hand to shake hers but when I did I felt a jolt of electricity go through me. She started giggling and snorting, holding out her palm to reveal one of those practical-joke buzzers. What a bitch.

"So I assume you're here for the Spookyghost Badge" she said, pulling out a single Poké Ball from her hair and twirling it on her fingertip. "As you might've guessed the specialty here is the Water type."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I sighed but signaled for Shaqira to get ready.

"Go, Malamar!" she shrieked and threw her Poké Ball which exploded to reveal a purple and pink Pokémon that looked like a gay alien whale dildo.

"Oh, c'mon," I moaned. "That thing is Dark/Psychic."

"But it's a squid and squids live in water, non?" she winked, suddenly French for some reason.

"Whatever. Shaqira use Love Angel Music Beam!" I commanded and started singing 'Hollaback Girl' which was pretty impressive considering Gwen Stefani didn't exist in the Pokémon world. Shaqira pretended like she didn't know what I was talking about. I couldn't believe she was acting so bananas.

"Malamar, quick! Use Psychic!" Zappera screamed. The squid's jiggly jelly-arms began vibrating until a giant ball of what appeared to be pink flubber formed in front of its torso. The blast of extrasensory goo hurtled toward Shaqira and slammed right into her face, sending her plummeting to the ground like always.

"You suck, Shaqira!" I yelled encouragingly.

"Finish her off with Dark Pulse!" the gym leader ordered confidently but I had a plan.

"Dodge it with Fly!" I cried, running up to Shaqira and tossing her gently into the air. Her body zoomed toward the ceiling and crashed into one of the buzzing neon lightning bolts, causing the whole electrical system to come crashing down. I jumped into a nearby igloo which, besides pissing me off a little bit further, protected me from the extreme voltage. Zappera's rubber dress clearly wasn't helping very much because she stood shaking for like a minute which I thought was a little over-the-top and attention-seeking. Finally the power cut out and she fell limply to the floor. I stood in horror, unable to believe that she would have the audacity to be such a sore loser that she would pretend being asleep just to avoid giving me the badge.

"Whatever, Zapp-whore-a," I punned cleverly. I searched everywhere for the badge when finally I saw something shimmering inches from Malamar's singed corpse. I picked up the beige, wing-shaped pin, sighed, then dragged both Shaqira's and Plaen's smoldering bodies out of the gym.

As I stood in the sun, proud that I had finally earned my second badge, I noticed a crowd racing past me which was strange due to the fact usually commoners stopped and gawked at my gorgeous features whenever they got the chance.

"There you are," an annoying voice said once the mob had cleared.

"Tilly," I glared.

"Hop," she glared back.

"No, I'm Qris," I corrected. "It's impolite to forget people's names, but I guess that's not a problem for you seeing as how you think it's OK to attack people for no reason."

"No, I just I don't have a problem attacking someone who's being racist," she said even though she couldn't have possibly been talking about me. I wasn't racist – I had a black friend. Well, he wasn't black but one year for Halloween he went in blackface so that was close enough for me.

"Whatever," I replied smartly. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm looking for Plaen. She wanted me to meet her."

"Um, some friend you are," I smiled, rolling my eyes. "She's right here and you didn't even recognize her."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, confused.

"Right here," I said, prodding Plaen's amorphous body with my foot.

"That's literally just a bag of a garbage," she answered and I thought she was just being funny but upon closer inspection I realized the thing I had been dragging everywhere wasn't Plaen at all.

"Well that explains why I thought she smelled better," I laughed. Tilly didn't. "Fine," I sighed. "Let's go get her." Before we go could, however, a shrill Arabian voice cried out from beyond the city gates.

"What was that?" Tilly asked me which was smart of her to do since I knew everything.

"I don't know," I replied, "but it's got to be more interesting than Plaen. Let's go check it out!" I chucked the trash bag at Tilly's face, pointed and laughed at her, then began heading toward the scream, totally unprepared for the startling scene that lay ahead.


	15. Ingiliizi

"I knew you couldn't stay away from me, Ingiliizi," I purred as I turned around sensually and dramatically, my luscious hair breaking the sound barrier and causing a temporary rip in the fabric of space. Even though seeing him was the last thing I wanted I couldn't help how attractively I did things; it was my curse.

"I see you haven't changed a bit," he said in an accent ripped straight from a Guy Ritchie movie, "which is surprising considering how much you've liked to change in the past. Still not calling me by my name then?"

I looked away quickly but not because I was embarrassed: the sun had reflected off his pasty white skin and directly into my gorgeous, exotic eyes.

"Say it," he urged, stepping closer and closer. The smell of gherkins on his breath turned my stomach and I immediately began regretting eating that jewfinger for lunch.

"I can't," I croaked, trying to hold down my food even though my vomit wasn't disgusting in any way - in some countries it was even considered a delicacy.

"Say it!" he commanded, but I shook my head in defiance. I wasn't going to let him control me any longer.

"I could never bring myself to say a name as vile as yours," I sneered, spitting on his gay-looking loafers.

"Fine. Well, I'm sure you know why I'm here, so let's just get to it, shall we?" He reached out to grab my arm with his freckled hand, the orange spots reminding me of constellations of concentrated melanin in the skin.

I smacked his hand down and spat at him again, screaming, "I'll never go with you, Ingiliizi!" He calmly wiped the saliva off his forehead and slicked it through his copper hair before suddenly he slapped me to the ground.

"If it weren't for me you wouldn't even be here, ʢabara. I made you," he said, leaning down, his voice suddenly changing to a whisper. "I own you."

"Not anymore!" I yelled and drove my middle finger with full force through his left eye. He screamed, covering the gaping hole that used to contain his eyeball which I hurriedly stuffed into my pocket for later since I was still pretty full from earlier.

"Ahh!" he shrieked like a little baby which woke up my napping Pokémon in a rage.

"Get him now, Rianna!" I boomed. "Use Heaven Crunch!"

Rianna lunged at the flailing Englishman and bit down hard right where his spotted dick usually hung.

"Get this fucking thing off me!" he shouted and kicked Rianna high into the atmosphere.

"Ahh!" I screamed arabianly but before I could continue Ingiliizi was already dragging me into his comically tiny, sensible British automobile.

"You owe me too much to leave me now, ʢabara," he said.

"Let her go!" a mysterious gay voice ordered. "She's too beautiful for you!"

I looked up and for once was thrilled to see Qris standing before me with his sad little Pokémon and someone who I could only assume to be Tilly due to the fact she was the only black girl in the region.

Ingiliizi immediately dropped me but I didn't get hurt since as I fell I did a perfect forward backhand spring and stuck the landing against all odds to win the national title, beating all the stuck-up blonde gymnasts despite me coming from a underprivileged background and facing many obstacles along the way.

"I don't think we've met," Ingiliizi grinned at Qris. "Some know me by Ingiliizi, but you may call me… Henry."

"Ahh!" I shouted again, covering my ears in pain from hearing his hideous name.

"What the fuck kind of name is Henry?" Qris asked bluntly, chuckling. Ingiliizi glared for a few moments then slapped him down too. I had to admit it was pretty funny seeing his frail twink body slam to the ground but this was no time for laughter.

"ʢabara use Tackle!" I commanded to myself cutely in my brain language. I lunged at Ingiliizi like a mix between a cheetah and a Cheetah Girl and held his body down, my arm pressing harder and harder onto his throat.

I positioned my finger to claim his other eye but he finally gave up and screamed, "Stop!" I rolled off him and stood up, still in fighting stance. "You may have won this time, ʢabara, but remember: I own you."

He crawled back to his car and drove off in a hurry. I knew that wouldn't be the last I'd see of him but at least for now I was safe.

"Your friend was hot," Qris observed stupidly.

"Your friend isn't," I replied, staring at Tilly.

"I'm Plaen's friend, not his," she replied tillily but I didn't care.

"I don't care," I said. "What a minute, where are the Yellow Diamonds? I just had them," I said in a panic. "Did you see where they went?" I searched frantically all around the field but all I could was one small earring.

"Whoa, a real Yellow Diamond?" Qris asked, staring enviously at the miraculous gem.

"Obviously. An evil sorceress was protecting them in the city but Rianna and I took care of her. Ingiliizi must've taken the others when I wasn't paying attention," I moaned.

"But they don't even go with his complexion!" Qris whined, correct about one thing for the first time in his life besides all those times he had commented on my unbelievably desirable appearance. "Who is he anyway? What did he want with you?"

"He's someone I knew a very long time ago," I began. I inhaled deeply and sighed, preparing myself to relive the story I was about to tell.


	16. Dissenter of Attention

When Tilly and I arrived at the scene of the scream the first thing I noticed was an impossibly handsome man with one eye who looked like a cross between Prince William and Prince Harry and, although I couldn't tell at the moment, perhaps Prince Albert too.

"I own you," I heard him whisper and my legs began to go weak at his dominating tone. Before my fantasy could get anywhere, however, I saw the target of his sweet talk: ʢabara.

"Let her go!" I screamed in a fit of jealousy but then realized I was coming off a little too needy. I had to play it cool if I was going to be able to steal this stunning ginger god for myself. "She's too beautiful for you!" I yelled, knowing that by putting him down he would immediately try to impress me in order to gain my approval. It was the perfect way to woo anyone.

He looked up and smiled, flashing teeth that were the pinnacle of English dentistry, and reached out to shake my hand. I noticed ʢabara attempting to do some kind of weird somersault before finally she stood up and did one of those stances like how gymnasts do at the end of their routines. It was pretty weird but so was she so I decided to ignore her for the time being and give the pasty gentleman my hand.

"I don't think we've met," he said in a voice reminiscent of Amy Winehouse impersonating Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion. "Some know me by Ingiliizi, but you may call me… Henry."

"What the fuck kind of name is Henry?" I asked sexily, rubbing my hands all over my butt in order to subtly call attention to its fullness. He was silent for a moment but usually people were left speechless by my erotic flirtations so I wasn't very surprised. What I was shocked by, however, was the swift slap that knocked me to the ground before I even had time to begin my rhythmic twerking ritual.

Obviously the pain excited me and I was totally ready for more but stupid ʢabara decided to tackle him and attempt to remove his other eye which I didn't think was very nice of her at all; she must've been jealous of the attention I was receiving. I knew I was hotter than her and clearly so did the men in her life too. Thankfully before she got the chance to maim him any further he pushed her off, crawled back to his car, and left.

"Your friend was hot," I said once she had righted herself.

"Yours isn't," she replied, pointing at Tilly, which immediately made me forgive her for trying to take my boo. We laughed and chatted for a bit before ʢabara finally told us that she had found the Yellow Diamonds. I was super jealous but I don't think she noticed because I was really good at hiding my emotions despite the fact that I was gay and therefore more sensitive than most boys.

"Who is he anyway? What did he want with you?" I asked finally, playing with the single Yellow Diamond earring that ʢabara had managed to recover.

"He's someone I knew a very long time ago," she sighed and then proceeded to stare directly into the sun for an hour.

"I don't have time for this," Tilly blurted suddenly and started heading back toward the gate. "I'm going to go look for Plaen."

After she had gone ʢabara whispered, "I will kill her for what she's done."

"For attacking me? It's cool; I'm over it," I said.

"No, for sleeping with Divann. She betrayed Xylark and I have never forgiven her for it. She deserved what Hoppip did to her," she sneered.

"Yeah, she's pretty gay. Anyway, what happened to your story?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she said, confused. "I just told you it."

"No, you just started into the sun for like a year."

"Oh, I must've been doing my magic mind spea…," she began but then stopped herself as though she had almost revealed some huge secret. "Anyway. This man, Ingiliizi, we were married."

"Excuse me! Check your privilege," I advised angrily. I was homosexual and obviously couldn't get married so I didn't appreciate her flaunting it in front of me like it was no big deal. As a woman of color she would never understand that trials and tribulations I went through everyday as the most oppressed of all the minorities: gay white boys.

She glared at me for a long time for some reason after I had said that but finally continued, "When we met, however, I was different."

"In what way?" I asked, hoping that she would say fat so I could judge her superficially.

"Well, it's difficult for me to tell you this, but my name used to be ʕabara," she confessed, avoiding eye contact.

"That's your name now," I pointed out helpfully.

"No, idiot," she said uncalledforly. "My name is ʢabara. ʕabara is a boy's name."

"Of course!" I shouted. "It all makes sense now! The wig, the big feet, my initial attraction to you. You know, I was getting worried I was straight there for a second," I laughed, slyly changing the topic of conversation back to me where it belonged. Just because she was a transsexual didn't mean that she was suddenly somehow more marginalized than me and I had to make sure she knew that.

"Actually, those have nothing to do with me being born physically male. See?" she said, pulling off her wig to reveal an identical hairstyle underneath. "I just wear this as a decoy to protect my real hair from dirt and bugs and paint thrown by PETA whenever I wear my 100% authentic Teddiursa fur jacket."

"What about the feet?" I asked.

"Implants, of course," she said, rolling her eyes. "In my culture big feet are considered beautiful so Ingiliizi got me these for my birthday."

"Um, what country did you say you were from again?" I questioned but she pretended not to hear me as though she hadn't even figured it out yet.

"And the reason you were attracted to me? Just look at me. Everyone is. Gender is irrelevant when it comes to me," she said with a wink that sent chills down my erection. As she continued talking I suddenly felt as though I had been listening to Xylark the entire time, but I knew that was impossible seeing as how I was the Xylark of the story with her being the Tilly even though Tilly herself was already in this story but I had always thought of her as more of the Hoppip. Plaen, of course, was the fart Britney had in chapter 26.

I shook the impure thoughts from my head and feigned interest, saying, "But that still doesn't explain Ingiliizi." I had decided to call him by that name too since Henry was too absurd of a name to say out loud.

"Well, he helped me become who I am today. I was always beautiful of course but he paid for what I needed done so he thinks I owe him something. He used to be so sweet but once I was finally my true self and we were married he changed. He began treating me like a slave, forcing me to do awful things like go to dinner with him or listen to him tell stories about his day. It was torture, really. Whenever I tried to do any little thing for myself like bring men home from the bar he would get so angry. I finally couldn't take it anymore so I ran away in search of my destiny but he's been after me ever since."

"Wow, that was a long paragraph of text, ʢabara, but I'm glad we've finally gotten that out of the way so we can continue on with the story," I said meta-ly. "Which reminds me, I got the second badge already!"

"Oh, yes, me too," she said holding up the same wing-shaped pin I had. "Before I found the Yellow Diamonds, Rianna and I were at an event promoting my latest advertising campaign for Victoria's Secret and some strange blonde woman traded me it for an autograph." I couldn't believe she had out-Xylark'd me again, that bitch.

"So what? I don't care," I said smoothly, completely covering up my jealousy. "Whatever. Let's just go to the next town then. I could use a martini after all this drama."

"OK, I know a bartender there who is also a gym leader so this is very convenient," she added, showing yet another badge in her case. I sighed, picked up Shaqira and started heading toward the gate. I just wished Plaen would catch up soon so I could start feeling better than people again.


End file.
